I don't love myself as much as I should.

Today I downloaded Solange’s album, A Seat at the Table. Girl, let me tell you my life was changed in so many ways. The whole time I was like.....

Really tho, It touched on something I struggle with every single day. 

I grew up a black girl in a white world. That alone was enough to fuck with me. That world was not designed for me to feel beautiful or accepted. My friends all wore Abercrombie that came from malls I had never been to and cost money I never had. They had straight long hair while mine was kinky. They would talk about frizzy days and I'd look at them sideways like girl you don't know the meaning of frizzy.

As you can imagine, it was hard to find myself especially when I was 14 and I all I want to do was fit in. I would rock what they wore. I would over perm my hair and wear a stiff high ponytails. The whole time feeling awkward, because at my 14 year old booty was getting thick and those jeans were not made for me. I am sure you can relate to the little space between the top of the jeans and where your waist really starts. I was always the awkward black girl that kind of fit in, but was faking it. 

I went to college which was a myriad of interesting experiences. From break ups, new friendships, struggles, depression and anxiety, I am still not always sure it was the best decision. Sometimes, I feel like it grew me and confused me all at the same time. Once again, I was the girl who didn’t quite fit in. For years, people didn’t like me. My focused stare was perceived as “bougie”. I was the girl who thought she was too good for everyone. Oh yes, and everyone said I talked "white" whatever that means these days.

Once again, I found myself trying to fit in. I exerted every effort to get rid of the bougie too good for everyone image. Being overly nice became my norm.

Years after that, I found myself overexerting myself in almost every relationship I encountered. Trying to prove I deserved their love. Giving my all and leaving myself exhausted until it was over. I would spend my nights crying feeling the heat of betrayal as each tear streamed down my face. I tried to convince myself that God placed me on this Earth to help others achieve their dreams. 

I tried to convince myself that I was walking in my truth, but the truth is I have never loved myself the way I should. I went from awkwardly fitting in to trying to prove to everyone I wasn’t the bougie bitch. Now, today in this very moment, I feel lost in a sea of who I thought I was. Like Solange, I try to drink it off, take pretty pictures, and post inspirational messages so the world knows I am secure in myself

But it all comes down to this..."If I don't know how to love myself how can I teach someone else to love me." 

I spent my life begging God to show me my truth; begging to find my purpose; begging to love myself. I begged God to show me the way and for years he/she did. I had so many opportunities to walk in my love, but I let them go because of fear.

This year has been a journey through so many ups and downs with my self-esteem, but every day I am learning something new. So I will leave you with something I learned recently. There is a beautiful woman inside of you. If you listen, she will come out and you will wonder how you ever survived life without knowing her.

So, take a deep breath and listen to her.