So, I am sitting in a random ass coffee shop in the middle of Manhattan. My eyes are swollen shut from crying. I am dealing with a pain that I can not explain and I am thousands of miles away from home. All I can think is “This can’t be real life” Then I ask, “Is this real life?” Then I go into a slight panic, because this is, in fact, real life. The tears start to flow again.
An elderly black women looks into the window and with her mouth forms the words “Are you okay?”
I start to think “Am I okay?” Good question.
I mean I just left an empowerment conference. I should feel great, but I don’t. I wanted to tell her…
“I left a conference that was meant to inspire me, but all I can do is cry. No, I do not know why I am crying. On a scale 1-10, my anxiety is on level 20.”
I want to tell her….
“I’m cold. I can’t stop shivering ‘and all I can think about in the back of my head is how badly I want to die. More than ever, I want to be back in that inexplicable warm place. The place where everything makes sense and my heart feels full of love, but right now, I am void of emotion.”
I want to tell her
“ I don’t know you, but I want a hug from you. I want to feel loved even if you don’t really love me. No, I don’t want to talk about it, because I don’t know what ‘it’ is. I want to just feel better. I want to not feel the need to cry every time it rains.”
As a black shadow continues to creep over my shoulder, I politely nod and say, “I’m fine”. It is obvious that I am lying, but she smiles and keeps on her way.
As she fades away in the distance, I am still sitting in some random dirty ass coffee shop .Mosquitoes are glued to the glass. They are trying to escape. Be free. (I guess we both had that in common).
Two seconds later, I began to cry, again. I start questioning.. What does, “Are You Okay?” even mean anymore. We have become so desensitized to those words. Let’s think about it. How many times have you walked past someone and said “Are You Okay?” just to hear “I am fine? ” I mean you see the loneliness on their face, but you just keep walking, right?. Vice versa how many times have you not been okay, but you have said “I’m fine”?
I still think back to that day and I should have told her everything I felt. I was in a dark place and had I not been in a place where I could not harm myself. I am not sure what I would have done. At the end of the day, all I needed was a hug. God knew that and sent me an angel in the form of an elderly black woman, but I sent her away.
Remember, it is okay not to be okay. When God send you a piece of love, don't be afraid to take it.